SHORT STORY: I AM NOT MY SKIN

 By ANGELA NKAMERE
       “I am Sandra and I am beautiful”, “I am Sandra and I am drop dead gorgeous”, “I am Sandra and I am a diva, my body is perfect, my mind is right and I am about to marry the most handsome man in the world”, I said to myself admiring my refection in the mirror, I had changed, blossomed into a more confident, beautiful woman. I turned to my side inspecting my full behind. Damn I looked good. Mr Jite you are in for it, you wanted a hot wife and now you’ve gotten yourself a bombshell! White suited me, in fact everything suited me, I ran my palm through the silhouetted –ball gown styled wedding dress I had on, the sequencing was beautiful, who ever thought Cinderella’s ball gown came in a size 16? My mind flooded with mixed emotions, I was so happy; overwhelmed was a more appropriate description for what I felt at that moment, joy mixed with fear, fear not because I was afraid he wouldn’t go through with it but fear because I had finally gotten what I always wanted, happiness but would I be able to handle it? I feared I would explode from too much joy or trip on my wedding gown while hurrying down the aisle. Wouldn’t that be something, I would fall flat on my face and everyone would laugh, I chuckled at the thought as I whirled myself around, it would be more of a comic relief than an embarrassment; I would stand up laugh and continue on my way. All that mattered was being he’s wife. MRS SANDRA OMO, wife of MR JITE OMO. I nearly shrieked, the thought of it alone sent me to the highest of clouds and back again. It wasn’t always like this, my joy that is...
           The one thing Jite loved about me had been my curse, my reason for sleepless night, my weight. Then I didn’t consider myself as “thick” as he often called me. Or “plus sized” as he emphasized. To me I was FAT, a big ball of flesh, a round bottomed flask (my high school nick name), “orobo” as I was nicknamed in the area. I was born fat, often times I wondered why God had been so cruel to me. My sisters where skinny, my mother an amazing size 12 after 3 daughters. I was the second daughter  and most unloved by my mother, to her I was a step child because I wasn’t as pretty as my sisters, in fact I could be used for a “pick the odd one out game”. I would cry myself to sleep after my mother would snatch my plate away saying I had had just about enough to eat, “You should be on a permanent diet, I look at you and all I see is your protruding stomach and your large head. Stay away from food!” she would always say. I would often wonder if I was adopted, or dropped at the front porch by a stork, at least that would explain why I was so different. Why I wasn’t loved by the mother that bore me in her womb. I took solace in my father, he would tell me “Sandra don’t listen to your mother, you are beautiful, you remind me of my mother’s sister, aunt Tabitha  lord rest her soul, she was just as big and just as beautiful. So don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, you are perfect just the way you are” as he placed me on his lap and played with my cheeks. I loved my father, so much but why on earth didn’t I look like anyone else, why Aunt Tabitha?
   
          What I lacked in beauty, I made up for in school work, I was brilliant, an exceptional student. I excelled in all my subjects from primary to secondary school. When it was time to receive awards for exceptional performances, my mum was never around. My dad was always there; he would pick me up and spin me around d like I was paper weight.
      
          In secondary school I had a crush on this senior, Bobby, he was so cute. Of course I told no one about it, they would only think I was a daydreamer. Bobby had no girlfriend at that time and I pined for him, I did what every lonely teenager would do, I poured out my heart on the pages of my diary. ‘Sally’ I called her, she was the one person who didn’t think I was a fat pig, she listened to me without any comments. One day after a glorious moment of watching Bobby play basketball shirtless I ran to my classroom, pulled out sally and began to tell her everything
                              

Sally, you won’t believe what just happened, Bobby played basket ball shirtless!
OMG! He is simply the hottest. He smiled at me Sally, he totally smiled at me when he hit that rebound and I yelled his name. He looked up, smiled and winked at me, even if Ada sat right beside me, I’m so sure the smile was for me. Oh Sally, I wish he could just see me, just once. Say “Sandra you are cute” that would be the day, and I would run into his arms and give him a big smooch, a long kiss on the lip, but I bet I’m just too fat for him to notice. I heard he’s got he’s eyes on some one new, I bet she’s some hot girl in ss3. She’s lucky, I know I would be if he liked me. I would-

 

          Before I could finish the last sentence my class mate snatched Sally form my hands. “Guys look Sandra’s got a diary, lets read what we have here shall we” .I begged her to return it but instead she stood in front of the class and read my deepest thoughts out, when she was done the whole class burst out laughing. She walked up to me with one hand on her hip and the other waving my diary in my face. “you see I always knew you where crazy but I just didn’t know you where stark raving mad, to think Bobby would want to smooch up to a fat blob like you, I suggest you look for ways to get skinny, for your own sake if not you would probably die from a heart attack while kissing any guy”.

          I snatched the diary and ran out of the class to the girl’s bathroom where I spent the rest of the day crying my eyes out. I went home after school and ran to the room I shared with my sisters. After crying myself to exhaustion I slept off. Some minutes later, my elder sister woke me up only to worsen my mood, "Sandra wake up we need to talk, I heard you where drooling over Bobby in your diary, sweetheart that is a sad thing to do, especially when you know you are way out of his league. Any ways I just wanted to let you know that I’m dating Bobby, so you might as well get your head out of the clouds” she said and walked out of the room. I hated her, so much, how could she be so mean. Abigail was my mother’s pride and joy and she hated me just as much as mum did. Lucy my little sister had been eavesdropping and ran to my side as soon as Abigail left, throwing her little hands round my flabby stomach. “Sandra, pay her no mind, she’s just jealous your smart and she’s not” she said, I laughed and held her hands as we went down for dinner.

          I didn’t care much for food that night as I toyed around with my plate of pasta even though my portion was much smaller than everyone’s own, dad was concerned but mum didn’t care in fact she loved the fact that I wasn’t eating, after a long pause she dropped her fork and said “Sandra dear, Abby tells me you had a thing for her boyfriend, oh dear, how could you, didn’t you look In the mirror before letting yourself like him?, rather than exercise you chunk down bars of chocolate, and you expect him to know you exist! Darling stick to your books and leave the boys to people that have a chance of getting a man because you never will”. I stood up from the table hot tears streaming down my cheek and burning my face. I locked myself in the bath room and wept. I could hear my dad yell at her angrily. Like it mattered, she hated me, my own mother hated me and there was nothing I could do about it, except of course lose weight, but how could I do that? I loved food, I loved chocolates and I couldn’t stop myself. I wanted to throw up all the food I had ever eaten, angrily I stuck two fingers down my throat and forced myself to vomit. After several tries I finally did and I emptied out my insides. When I was through I felt better, so much better. Finally I had found my secret weapon.

          I began to lose weight drastically. Every one noticed, my Dad was concerned, he asked what I was doing and I said nothing. Every time I ate I excused myself and threw up everything, that way nothing stayed in and I never gained. I continued like that till I graduated. For my valedictory mum bought me a dress, the first time in so long, she told me she was proud of my progress. I was so happy I had starved myself to ensure the dress fit. The called my name as the valedictorian and as I stepped forward to give my speech I felt my head spin as...

...To be continued next week!